I never know who reads this stuff I write.
Just have a heavy heart and need to get a few things off my chest.
Just have a heavy heart and need to get a few things off my chest.
So lately...
1. It's been really hard to leave Landon to go to work everyday. He's starting to cry when I leave in the mornings and it's just torture walking away, getting in my car, backing out of the driveway and leaving him. He's all I think about all day.
2. I've been trying to accept that my figure will never be the same again. I have about 6lbs to lose to be back to pre preggo weight (and I'm 6 MONTHS post pardum ugh..) ...however did you ever see my last few wks pregnant? I was HUGE. My stomach will never be the same again. I know this is self-centered, but this different body stuff does a number on a girl's self esteem.
3. Feels like it's a constant guessing game/trial and error and I'm questioning everything. Is he getting enough milk? Is he eating enough solids? Is he healthy? Will he stay healthy? Is he getting enough sleep? Are his pants too tight on his tummy? Am I bathing him enough? Is he growing like he should? Is he developing like he should? Will he have social, emotional, physical disabilities? Should he get a hair cut? Is he happy? Does he feel loved?
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| I love and hate this pic all at the same time... LOVE that it's the last one taken while carrying Landon, and hate how huge that dress makes me look! I did carry a 8 1/2 lb baby. :) Exhausted taking down my classroom before baby! |
3. Feels like it's a constant guessing game/trial and error and I'm questioning everything. Is he getting enough milk? Is he eating enough solids? Is he healthy? Will he stay healthy? Is he getting enough sleep? Are his pants too tight on his tummy? Am I bathing him enough? Is he growing like he should? Is he developing like he should? Will he have social, emotional, physical disabilities? Should he get a hair cut? Is he happy? Does he feel loved?
4. I'm trying to come up with what our family traditions will be. I love my family's traditions and I want the same for Landon (and future baby Corl's) It's like I feel like I have to figure them out now before time passes by! Too much pressure on myself. (haha I just re-read that to myself and laughed out loud..I'm silly)
5. Really trying to figure out 'what's next for me'... what does God want from me? This working (full-time) mom gig is really hard. It's what I have to do right now. But are there other options? Is there another way to make ends meet? (could I blog for a job..that'd be awesome) Trust me I love teaching and enjoy my job a lot. My heart is just heavy. At this point I'd rather be poor and at home with my little boy.
I don't mean to be a downer...but this is where I am. I know God's plan will become clearer for me soon (I hope). I think a lot of new moms go through this. After you get past the just trying to survive without sleep and make it through each day but absolutely loving every second of it - to adjusting to your new life and new role and asking yourself what your priorities are. Trying to find yourself again - I am still me...I just have a new facet added to myself now. I'm multi-faceted now! I'm a mom - and that's something I've always wanted. Landon is the best.gift.ever. Hands down. Just want to do my best for him.
MERRY CHRISTMAS Y'ALL!
It's a wonderful life!
Speaking from a working Mom for 27 years. You just have to find the right place. Place for you, place for Landon. I would first start with a looking for a new day care. That is priority one, some of your feelings may change when that does. I cried for a week when I had to put the twins in a day care. Then found someone to come to the house. Our bodies change our whole life long....that's all I can say about that one. You look wonderful. As my father in law always said ... this too shall pass. Hang in there. Lori
ReplyDeleteSara your post mirrored feelings I have had and still have all the time. I hate to say that I hate my belly since it is Gods, not mine, but it is heinous! So I know what u mean...this being a mom thing is tough. Don't forget to do things for yourself too though. I often have to remind myself that. And ps to only be 6lbs away at 6 months stardom is awesome. To give you perspective I am still 10 lbs away and am 18 months postpartum and have run a half marathon and run btw 10 and 29 miles a week and still can't lose it ha. I am trying to get over it and realizing my comment is becoming a blog post so I am going to say good bay but I love you and miss you and please call if you ever need to vent!
ReplyDeleteOh, Sara! I love reading about your journey and so glad I get to call myself your friend. You are amazing, and don't forget it! And you're beautiful, inside and out! 6 measly pounds to go? Girl I say that's a HUGE accomplishment! I could stand to lose 6 pounds and I didn't have a baby! haha. Know that you are doing what's best for you and your family- just keep on, keepin' on girl. And don't think twice about calling if you need me to bring over some more pizza and laughs! :)
ReplyDeleteWow! Tears...but good tears. Thank you for so openly sharing :)
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